March 26, 2013

Hats

How many hats do you wear?  My therapist asked me this a few weeks ago.  It's a hard question to answer.  Does each thing that I want to do constitute another hat or do I only wear the hats for things I actually get done.  If I only own actual hats then I suppose I wear six.

Mom - which has so many sub-hats that I could never count them
Chef - both by breast and in the kitchen
Head of Household Staff
Unschool Overseer/Project Manager/Book Reader
Head of Finances
GS Leader

Of course I try to put on some other head apparel here and there like photographer, blogger, and friend, but they usually get lost in among the other hats.  It sucks because those last three are the ones that give me any sort of style.  Maybe they aren't very original, but they are still me.

So I'm in therapy for postpartum anxiety.  I nearly died giving birth to Sweetpea.  Apparently it's hard for my body to come to terms with what happened.  I think the help I am getting is good, but I still have some very hard days.   My overall fear of dying has mostly subsided.  I worried obsessively for the first eight weeks before I could take care of those fears.  They've since been replaced by anxiety for Sweetpea.  The panic attacks are just as hard when they hit, but they come less frequently at least.  It doesn't seem like each day brings me closer to feeling like I can handle my worries, but when I look back at where I was, I can see that they do.  In case you are curious, my therapy is not medicinal because I feel that I am making progress without, however I am open-minded if things change.  Also most of my practice for taking care of the anxiety revolves around mindfulness and gratitude.  Since I've been thinking about these things for a while now it's perhaps easier for me to heal myself.

Are you wondering if a near death experience changed my views on religion?  It did not.  If anything I have found comfort in knowing that if the end comes there are many loving and wonderful people HERE that can help my family.  Also, selfish as it is, it's more difficult for me to imagine being in heaven looking down at everything I love and knowing that I'm not a part of it anymore.  There is comfort in not knowing anything at all.  My worries about dying were not about me.  They were for the people I left behind.  How could they go on without me?  But I can see that they would.  Losing my FIL last year has sort of shown me this as well.  I miss him a lot.  We didn't talk all the time or see each other very often, but many things remind me of him.  B's facial expressions, Sweetpea's middle name, items around the house, and the kids memories of him.  Yet we all go on each day and I know that it would be the same if it was me.

For now, I'm grateful to be here.  I want to live in the moment and not be paralyzed by fear of the unknown future.  I hope to wear many hats, both old and new.

No comments:

Post a Comment